If you can’t beat ‘em, paddle ‘em

When I surfed in Hawaii there was only one species of vermin more despicable than the fin-toting *spongers: those pricks on stand up paddleboards.

They steal perfectly good waves and clog up the line-up – not to mention the panic they inspire when they come barreling toward you on those behemoth boards and you have nowhere to go.

However, after having spent the last four years without easy access to the ocean, I began searching for a new water-based hobby.

I missed that light, watermelon sea breeze you get as you paddle out, the effortless joy of gliding across the water … and I also missed being in shape.

Though we’re more than 8 hours from the nearest ocean, we do have plenty of lakes and rivers, so the stand up paddleboard (SUP) seemed like the best option.

So last week on July 4 (‘merica!), Molly and I tested a few different SUPs on the Rednitz River near Nuremberg. After about 15 minutes we were smitten.

So smitten that we took one home that weekend, and that’s where the real testing began -- on a float trip down the Danube.

Initially, I was nervous about how fast the river was running, but when my co-worker Andreas and his girlfriend, Nikola, piled into a grocery store inflatable kayak with barely any freeboard, my fears seemed frivolous.

We bopped downstream with most of the oar-power being devoted to building a super floating island so we could properly prost “ausleben” (to the good life).

Several kilometers later we stopped at the Weltenburg Monastery, which is widely considered to be the oldest monastery in the world. Its beer regularly wins international competitions and the Asam Bock is just like it sounds (wait for it).

After a quick stop for bier and kuchen, we were back on the water. 

However, getting into the river proved much easier than getting out.

As we approached the disembarkation point, the river’s speed picked up. Andreas’ and Nikola’s kayak flipped, sending a floating yard sale of shoes, bags, a cooler and their three-pound dog, Mila, downstream.

Andreas caught Mila, and with the help of a Good Samaritan, we collected almost everything else. By now though, the rest of our possessions are probably floating somewhere in the Black Sea.

I left the trip with a newfound respect for the Danube, and an appreciation for the stand up paddleboard, but you’ll still never see me paddling out to the line-up on one.

*Spongers = boogey boarders.