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Dateline: June 2, 2010, Weiden, Germany. Senior correspondent Jerome Buttersworth, reporting ... beepbeep beepbeep beep beep beep …
… And our top story this evening, an American woman was sucker punched in what German authorities have been calling “a cultural misunderstanding.”
Molly Hayden, the victim, was apparently struck by an older German gentleman at the sportsplatz in Schlict during a 50th birthday celebration for a co-worker.
“I was having a great time, laughing, drinking, when this guy just sucker punched me in the arm!” Hayden said. “I guess I didn’t lock arms quickly enough during the ‘Ein Prosit’ song.”
During the song, which is usually accompanied by an accordion, celebrants lock arms, sway in unison from left to right and sing, “Ein Prosit, Ein Prosit, die Gemütlichkeit.”
Participants then drink a hefty gulp of beer. (The song’s lyrics literally translate to: “A toast, a toast, the coziness.”)
Participants then drink a hefty gulp of beer. (The song’s lyrics literally translate to: “A toast, a toast, the coziness.”)
Hayden later left the gathering on her own volition, gingerly nursing her left arm.
The alleged assailant could not be reached for a comment. The German Polizi are still investigating.
“Why would Frau Hayden just not lock arms when ‘Ein Prosit’ started? That does not make sense,” said Helmut Zeilmann, commander, German Polizi Schlict station.
Sports
In sporting news, members of the Weiden-West / Grafenwoehr sommerrodelbahning team have been practicing hard in Pottenstein for this year’s competition.
Here’s a video clip of what it feels like to sit in the driver’s seat of these single-person rocket cars.
Here’s a video clip of what it feels like to sit in the driver’s seat of these single-person rocket cars.
The team followed up its practice session with a hearty meal of kangaroo steaks at “Steak on a Stone.”
In other sporting news, once-revered Bosconian icon who is known in the gaming world by simply the letters “JDG” (or Jay-Dawg) has been bested by hometown favorite “JRO.”
“I couldn't sleep knowing his initials were still there, corrupting my plug-n-play,” JRO said, “so I got fired up and figured I’d do something about it.”
After eclipsing JDG’s high score of 199,000 points by a mere 390 points (left), JRO later went on what subject matter experts have been to referring to as “a tear” before achieving the new high score of 429,660.
Sources close to JDG have said he has traded his space suit for a scientist's lab coat.
*These reports were delayed by several weeks due to late-breaking stories in Istanbul and southern Turkey. Stay tuned to this station for more on how to get viciously chided out of the Grand Bazaar and ways to strettccccchhh your Turkish lira.
The only redeeming part of this article was, albeit much too brief, the mention of Frau Hayden. If find the author's self-indulgent nickname and general cavalier attitude about his entire life both despondent and exhausting. I look (sarcastically) forward to more drivel. Be warned, similar posts in future will require me to contact the authorities. Such blatant xenophobia should be coddled, not strewn about like dirty laundry.
ReplyDeleteDisapprovingly and disrespectfully,
Neil Helton
I aint believing that 400,000 shit until I see some photographic evidence of the high score.
ReplyDeleteJDG
spoken like a true scientist -- you'll get your photographic proof, however, there's little chance you'll be able to replicate this experiment.
ReplyDelete